


With Only the Memories of when You were Mine

by thekindworthreading



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Crying, Established Relationship, Fights, Lots of Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:29:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28314573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekindworthreading/pseuds/thekindworthreading
Summary: Alex and Thomas have a bad fight right before Christmas. When Thomas storms out of the house, Alex is only left with the memories of their time together, fearing that they have lost everything.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson
Comments: 10
Kudos: 59





	With Only the Memories of when You were Mine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gagakuma](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gagakuma/gifts).



> This is for day 25 of Hamcember - Tradition and omg I loved writing this! This is another collab with @gagakuma and I´ll leave a link of her art here once she posts it!  
> Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it and happy holidays to everyone else! I hope you all have wonderful days, even though this year hasn´t been the greatest. I´m very grateful for everyone who reads my stories and it means the world to me, so thank you!

Alex can´t really remember how their fight started, even though this has only been about three hours ago, maybe less. He just knows how it ended: with Thomas slamming the front door shut, leaving him alone in their house. Alex had waited for him to return, frozen in place, until he had to admit that Thomas wouldn´t come back. The realisation had filled him with dread and without thinking he ran to the front door, throwing it open and running out onto the street, but obviously there was no sign of Thomas. Alex felt his eyes fill with tears as he went back up to the house, and as the door fell shut behind him, he couldn´t help but think that this was it. He finally fucked up enough for it to be over. The thought caused him to let out a sob, his legs suddenly giving in and then he was lying on the floor, pathetically crying. Alex doesn´t know how long he spent there, until he managed to drag himself to their bedroom, where he sat down on the bed, staring at the picture of the two of them on the wall. It became blurry as his eyes filled with tears again and after a moment, he let himself fall back, curling into a ball, while sobs shook his body. When he opened his eyes again, the first thing he saw was the Christmas sweater Thomas got for him and he felt his insides turn cold as he remembered what day it was. They were supposed to have their annual Christmas pictures taken, a tradition they started even before they became a couple. It took all of Alexander´s strength to get up and walk over to their shelf, where they kept their photo album with all their Christmas pictures.

Now Alex is sitting on the bed with the book in his lap and tears still streaming down his face, desperately trying to remember why they even had that fight in the first place, but he comes up empty. He wipes the tears away with the back of his hand and takes a deep breath, before opening the photo album with trembling fingers.

The first picture shows Thomas and Alex in their last year of high school, the year they became friends, but still before they got together. It´s a polaroid Laf took of them at their school´s Christmas party and even though it´s a bit burry, and the lightning isn´t great, it´s one of Alex´s favourite pictures of them. He gently traces the edge of it, a small smile on his face as he thinks back to that time.

Alex turns the page, and the next picture is them kissing underneath a mistletoe at their university. He doesn´t remember who took it, but it doesn´t really matter. It was one of their first pictures together after they´ve become a couple and Alex can´t help but wish to go back in time and just start all over again.

He has to take a moment, before he is able to turn the page, because he has started crying again, the fear that this is all over filling up his head once again. His hand is trembling even worse as he turns the page, looking down at the picture of their first Christmas together at the house of Thomas´ parents. They are standing in front of a Christmas tree and the picture looks a bit forced and Alex remembers how awkward it was, but they still look happy.

Alex is still flipping through the pages of the photo album, silent tears rolling down his cheeks, when there is a knocking on the door. He freezes, his heart beating loud and fast in his chest and for a moment, he doesn´t manage to make any sound.

“Come in.”, he finally says, his voice raw and a bit husky.

Alex doesn´t know if he should be happy or afraid, when he sees Thomas standing in the door, his eyes red and swollen as well. Normally he can read his boyfriend like an open book, but today, as he needs it most, he can´t tell what the other man is thinking.

“Thomas-“, Alex starts, even though he doesn´t know what to say exactly. He just knows he has to apologize, has to make this right, before there is nothing left for him to fix.

“The photographer is here.”, Thomas says, interrupting him. “We´ll talk later. Get ready for the picture, okay?”

Before Alex can say anything else, Thomas has closed the door behind him, and Alex is left alone again. He can feel panic spreading through him, the realisation that he might actually lose Thomas forever, that this will be their last Christmas picture together, hitting him hard. Alex struggles to breath for a moment, sure that losing Thomas will actually kill him.

Alex shakes his head and takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. There is still time to fix this. They´ll have their picture taken and maybe that will help remind them of how much they´ve gone through together. Alex takes another deep breath and gets up from the bed, walking over to the mirror on the wall, looking at himself. He looks horrible, just like he feels. His skin is pale, his eyes are bloodshot and there are tear tracks on his face. He lets out a sigh and walks into the bathroom, washing his face and pulling his hair into a ponytail. He tries out a smile, but it looks fake and doesn´t reach his eyes, so Alex gives up and walks back into the bedroom, where he pulls the Christmas sweater over his head.

Alex feels sick with anxiety, as he walks down the hallway to the living room, where he hears Thomas talking with the photographer. He hesitates a moment, before he opens the door and walks into the room, giving the woman a weak smile.

“This is Alex Hamilton, my boyfriend.”, Thomas introduces him.

The words “my boyfriend” feel like a stab directly into Alex´s heart, and he has to do his best to keep smiling and not break down into tears.

“Hi.”, he says to the photographer. “Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too. I´m Theo Bartow.”

They exchange a few pleasantries, but Alex can´t help sneaking glances at Thomas, his heart aching for things to go back the way they were before the fight.

“So you want the picture taken in front of the Christmas tree?”, Theo asks finally, releasing Alex from this hell.

“Yes, that would be perfect.”, Thomas answers, while Alex just nods.

They walk over to the tree and stand next to each other, but with a visible gap between them.

“Thomas, could you wrap your arm around Alex and Alex could you place your hand on Thomas´ chest?”, Theo instructs them, and Alex can feel his throat closing again.

He flinches a bit as Thomas touches him, but hurries to get into the position Theo had requested. His heart is beating fast in his chest and he hopes Thomas can´t feel it.

“Looks great.”, she informs them. “Now smile.”

Alex does his best to make his smile believable, as the woman takes a picture. After looking at it for a moment, she adjusts the light. She takes a few more pictures, before she has them change positions. This time they are simply standing next to each other, with Thomas´ arm around Alex´ waist, both smiling at the camera.

Usually Alex loves those photoshoots, as cheesy as they are, but today it´s torture. He endures it though, as Theo requests different positions for them, until she suggests that Thomas should pick Alex up bridal style.

“I think we´re good.”, he says quietly. “I´m sure you´ve got some amazing pictures.”

“Oh, okay, sure. We can end this here. I´ll mail you the pictures once I´m back at the office and you can choose the ones you want me to work on.”

Alex nods and they talk for a bit, while Theo packs up her equipment. After she is done, they walk her to the front door and say their thanks. As soon as the door closes behind her, the anxiety from before comes back full force, and Alex feels himself starting to tremble. He feels sick.

“I´ll head to the bathroom real quick.”, he informs Thomas, not waiting for a reply.

Once he reaches the bathroom, he sinks down in front of the toilette, feeling like he might throw up any time. He tries to open the toilette lid, but his hands are trembling so much, that it falls down again. This is the last straw, which causes Alex to start crying again, his body shaking even more now. After what feels like hours, there is a knocking on the door once again.

“Alex?”, Thomas asks tentatively. “Are you-?“, he hesitates, apparently not knowing how to end his question. “Can I come in?”

Alex takes a deep breath, hoping that his voice doesn´t sound es pathetic as he feels.

“Give me another minute, alright?”, he gives back, his voice actually sounding almost normal.

“Okay.”, he hears Thomas say, and then steps retreating.

Alex gets up after a few seconds and walks over to the sink, taking a tissue and blowing his nose, before he washes his face again. He takes a deep breath and walks out of the bathroom and into the living room, where he finds Thomas sitting on the couch.

“Hey.”, he says quietly.

“Hey.”, Thomas gives back, looking up at him.

They are quiet for a moment, neither of them knowing what to say.

“Theo just sent the pictures.”, Thomas finally says, breaking the silence. “Do you want to see?”

Alex hesitates a moment, before he nods, forcing his legs to walk over to the couch and sit down next to Thomas.

“I´m sorry.”, Thomas says quietly. “I-“ He takes a shuddering breath. “I´m sorry.”

Alex nods, silent tears slipping down his face.

“Me too. I´m so sorry.”

He doesn´t know for what he´s actually apologizing, still doesn´t know what they are, but he wants Thomas to know that he is sorry, either for the fight or for causing them to break up.

“Do you want to talk or look at the pictures first?”, Thomas asks.

“Pictures.”, Alex says immediately

Like that he can still hope that everything will be okay again.

Thomas nods and opens the laptop, clicking on the link Theo has sent them and then on the first pic. It looks forced, both their eyes sad and smiles fake, but maybe it´s just because Alex knows that it is.

“Next.”, he says, and Thomas swipes to the left.

It´s almost the same picture, just like the next four, but then the position changes. It looks a bit more natural, but Alex can still see how red his eyes are.

“Next.”, he says again.

His breath catches when he sees the next pic, and he just stares at it for a moment in disbelieve, before looking up at Thomas, who is watching him intensely.

“This day wasn´t supposed to be like that at all, but I still want that.”, Thomas says quietly, his voice serious and calm, but Alex can hear the slight tremble in it.

He looks back the picture again, then at Thomas once more.

“Are you sure?”, Alex asks, he has to ask.

“I am and always was. Alexander Hamilton, will you marry me?”

Alex can feel his eyes filling with tears again as he nods, glancing back at the picture, that shows Thomas kneeling in front of the Christmas tree with the biggest smile on his face and a ring in his hand, holing up a sign that reads the exact same phrase.

“Yes, I want to. I-“, he hesitates. “I really thought this fight was it. That it was over.”

Thomas shakes his head, tears falling down his face as well.

“I love you. This fight was stupid, and I don´t want to ever lose you. I want to marry you.”

Alex surges forward, knocking the laptop off Thomas´ lap, but he doesn´t care as he holds on tight to the other man.

“I love you so much. So, so much.”, Alex whispers.

They stay like this for some time, with Alex softly crying, but this time from relief, while Thomas gently strokes his hair. When Alex looks up again, he notices that Thomas´ face is full of tears too.

“We really fucked up, huh?”, Alex asks. “That was the worst fight we ever had.”

Thomas nods, wiping the tears from his cheeks.

“I´m sorry that I just walked out like that, I- I just needed some time to think.”

This time it´s Alex that nods.

“No, no, I get it. I needed time to calm down and think too. I just thought… I was scared that you´d never come back.”, his voice cracks at the last word and he lets out a sob, clinging even tighter to Thomas.

“I will always come back.”, Thomas promises. His voice is quiet but serious.

Alex shakes his head and Thomas frowns.

“I will never let you leave again.”

Thomas chuckles quietly and Alex gives him a tiny smile. He leans forward and kisses the younger man. Alex melts into it, more tears leaving his eyes, as he wraps his arms around Thomas´ neck. When they part again, Alex lets out a shuddering breath, but he feels something inside of him settling into place again. He smiles up at Thomas, lightly poking his chest.

“Hey, where is my ring? Don´t you normally hand that out when you propose to someone?”

Thomas laughs and nods, pressing another kiss to Alex´s lips.

“Yeah, you´re right. Let me get it.”

With that he gets up and walks over to the Christmas tree, taking a small box from underneath it, that Alex hadn´t noticed before. He is kind of shocked Thomas hid the ring in such plain sight, but at the same time Alex can feel his heart fluttering nervously in his chest. Alex´s body moves almost on his own, as he gets up and slowly walks over to Thomas, who is still standing in front of the tree. There is a warm smile on the other man´s face and Alex´s heart makes a jump, when Thomas gets down on one knee in front of him, showing him the delicate gold ring.

“Let´s make it official, won´t we?”, Thomas asks, and all Alex can do is nod.

“Alexander Hamilton, will you make me the happiest man alive and agree to marry me?”

Alex lets out an almost breathless “yes”, shuddering as Thomas slips the ring onto his finger with trembling hands. Alex stares down at the ring for a long time, completely blown away by the thought that he is engaged. Especially after the day they´ve had.

“Where´s yours?”, Alex asks, looking around the room, as if he might find a second ring box hidden somewhere.

Thomas laughs quietly and takes another ring box out from underneath the Christmas tree. Alex lets out a huff.

“That´s not a good hiding place.”, he comments, and takes the box from Thomas.

“They´ve been here for about a week now and you didn´t notice, so I call bullshit.”

Alex shrugs and opens the box, marvelling at the ring for a moment, before he carefully takes it out. Thomas holds out his hand and Alex slips the ring onto his finger, his breath catching.

“I really didn´t expect that day to end like this.”, Alex admits, finally tearing his eyes away from the ring, to look up at Thomas´s face.

“I didn´t either this afternoon.”, Thomas says quietly.

Alex nods, dropping his gaze again.

“Do you regret it?”, he asks after a moment, and Thomas frowns.

“I can´t follow.”

“That you asked today.”

Thomas shakes his head almost instantly, grabbing Alexander´s hands.

“I don´t. This day didn´t go as I thought it would, but you said yes and that´s all that will ever matter.”

Alex lets out a sigh and nods, squeezing Thomas´ hands.

“I think we still have to choose a picture?”, Alex asks, and Thomas nods with a grin.

“We can do that if you haven´t broken my laptop earlier.”

Alex sticks his tongue out at Thomas, walking over to the couch again.

“I want a divorce.”, he declares with a big grin.

He is about to flop down onto the couch, but Thomas catches him by the waist at the last second, pulling him against his chest.

“Oh no, you are stuck with me, baby.”, Thomas gives back, a teasing note in his voice.

“I wouldn´t want it any other way.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading and please let me know what you think of it! You can also follow me on tumblr @whatdidimissjm!


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